Spy Movies Could Save Your Life

If you are like me, you gain marginal enjoyment from spy movies. They aren’t the most exciting thing in the theater at the time, but you’re still willing to shell out the cash to actually go see it in the theater as long as you’re going with a group of friends who really want to see it. Plus sides to the outing top out at Brad Pitt (Spy Games, Mr. & Mrs. Smith) or Matt Damon (the Bourne series, of course) being more than pretty bodies running around with pretty faces while they dazzle you with important sounding words that leave you confused as to whether it’s a place, obscure terrorist organization, or some dude’s last name. Of course, with the thrilling plots and action sequences there are always the low moments in spy movie history (Steven Segal’s entire career, anything that Leslie Neilson spoofed). But what’s so great about spy movies is that even the terrible ones have some educational value.

I have only just recently come to this realization, and only because I have spent an extensive amount of time traveling outside of the US. I am ecstatic because I have always gained marginal enjoyment from them anyway, and now that I know how much of a treasure trove of useful information they are I will attend with much more vigor. Here are a few tidbits of gold for all you American tourists out there, all learned from spy movies.

1. Blend in. Assimilate, as it were. Or try really, really hard to. If you’re in a country where you can’t (you’re a 5’9” blonde with blue eyes in Thailand, for example) pick a nationality you could look like and go with that one – ie: stick a Canadian or Swedish flag on the backpack you take everywhere with you, and do your best to fake the Canadian/Swedish-English accent to the taxi driver. If you’re really paranoid, you could even go so far as to buy the Lonely Planet guide to fill-in-the-blank in said language and stick it conspicuously in the back mesh pocket.

2. When exchanging money, or paying for something at a window, like a subway ticket, don’t drop your change everywhere as you try to stuff it hurriedly into your wallet because you are embarrassed that you were the only one in line who didn’t know the exact change needed to pay. The sound of heavy coins bouncing every which way will only make you stick out more.

3. Carry an umbrella everywhere. Even if it’s 104 outside and there isn’t a cloud in sight. Everyone else in the world does it, so if you do it too it won’t be as easy to identify you as an American.

4. If you wake up from your nap in the sun on a remote, tropical island and find that the KGB has freaking relocated their operation to Ko Samet and decided to take every umbrella and seat around you for a 20 yard radius, and as you blink and stare groggily around one of them thrusts a cigarette in your face (not unlike a gesture of offering), what do you do?? That’s right, you take it. You take it, and you smoke it, and you smoke it gladly and gratefully… And then you go back to your room and hack up your lung.

Okay, so maybe these weren’t exactly like spy movies, but the part about blending is. Bottom line here: either learn some Svenska phrases or pick up social smoking so you don’t look like a complete douche-bag when the “cross cultural bonding” opportunity presents itself. There is nothing like turning purple and doing that little hack/wheeze/cough that could make you look like any less badass. Bourne never hacked. Bourne had ten different passports and perfect dialects to go with them all. What do I have? Well, I did hang out with the KGB on vacation.