Delayed Reactions

I watched the night turn into a beautiful sunday morning. My body and I are still working through some jet-lag issues and my sleeping schedule resembles that of a toddler - early to bed, early to rise scenario - very early to rise. I've felt strange the past two days, and can't really shake what is on my mind so writing is what i have always done.

I broke up with my boyfriend of four years about a month ago. He is what is on my mind lately. I tend to do this thing where I push thoughts that would normally hurt way down inside of me and try to pretend like they aren't there so I don't have to deal with how much and why they hurt. My thoughts in the last three days since returning from vacation in Sweden are my delayed reaction to the magnitude of what I have done in ending things with Doug. It took a month for me to allow myself to return to thoughts of him, our relationship, the fact that its over, and, mostly, why its over. What I am dealing with now in examining these thoughts is searching for closure. As prescriptive as that word is, that's the only way I can think of it right now. There were many years where I thought I would marry Doug. Many years I expected to and would've said yes in a heartbeat. Then something changed. Two years ago I wouldn't have had a clue what that change was, but now I think the only way to describe it is that we both started maturing. And things changed.

As put together as I always like to say I am and try to seem, I am just like everybody else: I don't have it all figured out, and most of the time I'm wondering what is going to happen next and just hoping I'm with-it enough to be ready for it. I would love to be able to sit here and explain with total clarity in concise, complete sentences what happened with Doug and why its over, but I can't. I'm a mix of emotions about it, and most of them conflict. Part of me is so sure of my decision was the best one, but then I remember all of the reasons why I loved him for five years and I wonder if I just didn't give it enough time? Did I give up too quickly? How could I have failed to make it work? But I don't have those answers either - I have my gut. Something wasn't right. If I think about what that "something" is my mind swirls around a thousand things, divided equally between what I should/could have done differently or better, and what he could have. Would those things have made any difference? I don't know, but something tells me no. There was something there that wasn't right. When I feel divided between emotions of complete sadness/failure and liberation/freedom... something wasn't right.

We have broken up before, but this time things are different. It would have been easier if he got mad, got defensive, but Doug is a wonderful person so he was just concerned about me. My thoughts return to him and our relationship now for a purpose, I just don't know what that is. There is more for me to learn from that relationship, more that I can take away with me. There was nothing horrible about our relationship, which is probably part of where my hurt comes from. What I have to remember is that it is not over because I failed at something, or because he did. I truly believe that two people can be great people, just not great for each other. Were Doug and I great for each other? I don't know, and I'm not sure he did either. To be on the path that we were on we needed to know, I needed to know, and I didn't. Something wasn't right. Maybe someday I'll know what that something is, maybe I won't. Maybe that something is just my lesson to learn to trust my emotions and my gut and not overanalyze and rationalize everything. I don't know.

What I know is that I loved him the best way I knew how, and that I love him still - a love manifested in my wish for his happiness. I know I temporarily put a dent in that happiness, but I also know that he will find it again and I hope he can be sure in it. Of course this hurts, and this is hard, and this is a new situation to work through - our relationship wasn't horrible. Doug is a chapter of my life I wouldn't take back for anything, and my thoughts linger on him and our relationship for a reason. All I can do is keep thinking, keep pondering, keep searching myself. I just pray for clarity, healing, and learning from it all, and hope he is finding the same.